*!#2%!!!!!
This crap really gets in to my head. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I just straight up hate this sh....stuff. Yesterday morning I was supposed to do an early 50 mile "fasting climb". Something I should usually be able to do this time of year without a wince. After the hell that was last week, getting some bruised ribs on the mountain bike and working in an electrical substation the day before in 100° heat, I had convinced myself I was done for the year. I mean seriously - DONE!. I took my road I/D off my ankle and texted my riding buddy. Told him I just didn't heart to do it anymore. My road I/D never comes off until after LOTOJA - it is my constant reminder. After a day of consideration, I really had to put things aside and sort them one at a time.
At first I started to wonder if this was somehow my "personal" identity - who I think I am. Is it something I make myself appear to others. In the end, why do it all? Lets face it, nobody will ever confuse me with a "real" road cyclist, much less a racer. It has been a dark year, and this has made it very hard to maintain a willingness to suffer. After all, cycling is truly about ones will to suffer. Learning to cope with darkness is a key attribute in this game - and it is a game. So, I'm not exactly where I want to be, or even should be. That doesn't mean I should quit. Yes, my will has been stymied, but I still has choices - so suck it up and quit whining! I disgust myself sometimes......what a baby.
This morning I lit out a tad after 06:00 with a couple bottles of stuff, and a flasher - headed for Trapper again. This time I had a point to prove and a time to make. Without the details, I can say I met the margin. I can still do this. Maybe it will hurt, and maybe it will hurt a lot, but I can still do it.
From the top of Trappers, the sun rising just over Monte never gets old. I thought it was blurry because I'd worked my guts out. Out and back in under 2 1/2 hours is not the fastest time ever, but I'm still in range. I've got a lot to catch up on in the next few weeks. It might also be a good time to push some fundraising.
Losing sleep
Not sure why, but this was stuck in my head pretty much all the way out and back today. Maybe it helps med think of simpler times - just maybe.
See you back here in a couple days.....Ride HARD!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please leave COMMENT.